For a solid year now, I’ve been cleaning house — making peace with my past, giving the boot to limiting beliefs, taking charge of my thoughts, clearing old baggage, and using my emotions and intuition as a guidance system for getting to my best life (a la Abraham Hicks)! While it’s felt incredibly energizing and hopeful, I’ve struggled to shake a nagging feeling of boredom. My job is BORING. I’m a real estate attorney working my first job out of law school and am basically a glorified assistant to a “real” attorney. I do much less “real” attorney work than I’d like and am tasked with lots of administrative/secretarial duties. My ego brain continually wonders, wtf?! I survive 3 of the worst years of my life in law school and incur $200,000 in debt for THIS?! How on Earth will I pay back the debt at this rate? How stupid! How shameful! WHY DID I DO THIS TO MYSELF?!
Needless to say, one of my greatest challenges over the course of this last year was to step into the present moment with genuine and radical love for all of it — for my past EXPENSIVE “mistakes” and for what look like my present shortcomings.
By listening to hundreds of hours of Abraham Hicks, Christine Hassler, Wayne Dyer, Louise Hay, Eckhart Tolle, Adyashanti, Connie Chapman, et cetera, I’ve really upleveled my conscious and subconscious mind to a much happier baseline. I would say I’ve had a true spiritual awakening. And in this awakening, I’ve come to peace with the fact that I do not want to practice law. Ouch! It hurts to say that out loud. After the massive time-energy-money commitment I made to earn my law degree, my ego struggles to even consider the possibility that I may not go on to practice law.
When I first set out on the legal path, I truly thought it was a smart decision — I would be using my strongest skill sets (writing, research, analysis) and making a great living that would provide the financial security I desperately wanted after leaving my first career as an English teacher. I suppose it was a “smart” decision, but when it comes to the biggest choices in our lives, I’ve realized that the goal is not necessarily to make a “smart” choice, it’s to make a heartfelt choice. The heart (or souls or inner beings or highest selves, whatever you want to call it), will never let us down, and, on the flip side of that, we will never find the deep, fulfilling, exhilarating kind of joy we are looking for if we let our limited minds take the lead.
This time around (3rd time’s the charm!), as I look for a career and life path that will bring me joy, I have committed to waiting until that joy is evident. I will not involve my mind this time. I will only listen to my heart and my intuition. I will hone in on activities that I really enjoy doing and will start doing more of them and will let the joy lead.
Just like Abraham urges, I’ve been choosing happier thoughts and fostering positive emotions and attempting to reach the all-hailed state of “alignment” (see my previous post for more detail on alignment). Although, I must confess, while I’ve made tremendous progress in shifting to positive thoughts, my usual thought process starts high and then takes a mini-nose dive and then perks back up again — something like, “Gosh, I feel SO grateful today; I feel so joyous and excited and just know that my future is about to burst with goodness; I can feel the good things coming; my core desired feelings are freedom and joy and excitement and I’m feeling free and joyful now. . . buuuuuut . . . there is that work problem and that little old debt problem. Work pretty much sucks, and I’ll never be able to pay off my debt with my current income. Not to mention, I feel bored and stale and kind of dead at work. Gosh, work is boring. I get to the office, and my whole body just feels so, BLAH . . . BUT, back to the gratitude! I AM awfully grateful for my job. It’s really decent money for little work and great hours, and I get so much free time to work on pet projects, and my boss is amazing, so…what is there to complain about?! I have it made. My job is the best job EVER!” That’s the gist of my inner manifesting monologue — the job hating and the debt and the boredom factors always creeping in . . . but I continue to tell myself to hang in there, hang onto the feeling of knowing that things will get better, that I will feel more freedom, and excitement, and joy in my life again SOON!
All this to say that it feels like it’s finally happening! The manifesting is really on a roll. Yesterday morning a podcast notification popped up on my phone that I accidentally opened with a mis-swipe and found a gift staring me in the face: The Life Coach School Podcast: Episode #252, “Should I Become a Life Coach?” I’ve been toying with the idea of a profession in life coaching for over a year now. I rrrrrreally want to do it but haven’t been able to get my mind around taking on more debt for ANOTHER degree, and besides that, my husband would probably disown me. He’s a very practical fellow, so I would have to find some secret money he didn’t know about to pay for the training and study in the dark after he fell asleep in order to pursue my secret dreams. Lol. I kid (sort of!).
I clicked on the episode immediately and then found myself realizing a limiting belief so deeply rooted that I could hardly detect it. I had been telling myself that I COULD NOT afford to become a life coach, that I just COULD NOT do it. NOT an option. But, actually, I COULD save and over time find a way to afford life coach training. That IS actually an option. It was like the clouds suddenly parted, and birds came out, and Zippety Doo Dah played somewhere off in the distance. As soon as I arrived at the office, I searched the internet for reviews of The Life Coach School but found myself drawn to a separate search result: “The Life Hack I Used to Get Into an $18k Coaching Program — Natalie Bacon.” Oh my gosh, Natalie had my same story! She’s a former attorney bamboozled by law school debt and disenchanted with the practice of law who found her way to money and freedom and joy and excitement as a blogger/entrepreneur.
EXCITEMENT coursed through my veins for the first time in such a long time! I rrrreally like this blogging business. I love sharing and expressing myself through writing. Why couldn’t I find success through some sort of entrepreneurial venture tied to blogging?! Yes, I know, everyone and their mother, brother, sister, and cousin want to be bloggers and entrepreneurs, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t be. What everyone else is doing is irrelevant to MY joy.
So, I’m following MY bliss. I’m not worried about where it will lead or how I will get there. The universe will take care of those details. I’m just focused on feeling the joy and excitement of pursuing my own business/side hustle!