PART I: RESISTANCE
I decided to take a spur of the moment trip last week to visit my family in California. It turned out to be exactly the vibration-booster I needed. The biggest block for me over the last couple of years has, surprisingly, been my home life. I love my husband and two-year old son dearly, so, why would it be that my greatest emotional triggers occur at home? Maybe it’s the laundry and the dishes and the dog hair and the built-up resentment over seemingly uneven distribution of household chores. Maybe it’s our stressful jobs that leave little patience for our rascally two-year-old and the dragging evening routine of toddler dinner prep, parent dinner prep, practice pee pee on the big boy potty, bathe, brush the teeth, jammie time, story time, bed time (around 8:30pm — finally!), then mom shower, mom jammies, and whoop, it’s already mom bed time. Rinse-wash- repeat all week long.
In re-reading the above, all I can hear is my own COMPLAINING, which tells me I’m shifting out of that story, or have shifted out already. I’ve vented about this struggle with other new parents repeatedly over the last few years and felt very justified in commiserating. Adjusting to the lack of sleep and new slew of demands can be tough, but I am feeling SO ready to heal the struggle and shift into a calm, comforting, rejuvenating, energizing, happy, joyful, peaceful home life.
The inner awareness I’ve needed for healing has been coming to me, as if my desire for tranquility at home is, in fact, manifesting. The first spirit-inspired message that really sunk in for me came from a Connie Chapman podcast (which, side note, is amazing! — completely genuine, deep, and coming from such a beautifully aligned place). She explained that so much of our unhappiness comes from resisting what is, and oh my gosh have I been subconsciously resisting the demands of adulting! Then, just the following week, I came across Abraham Hicks discussing the fact that so many of us are afraid to look at what resistance is telling us. For instance, it’s perfectly okay that my resistance to grown-up life is showing me how much I value personal freedom and “me time.” I’ve realized that one of the fastest ways for me to get into alignment is to head to a coffee shop BY MYSELF and write and read and listen to my favorite podcasts. All it takes is a few hours to shed my negativity. As Carl Jung so famously said, “Whatever you resist, not only persists but grows in size.” This could not be more true, and I think it’s often a deeply rooted element of fear that prevents the ego from really looking at the object resisted.
In my case, it’s possible the ego refused to look at my resistance because of what it might reveal about me — that I’m a bad mom, or that I am, in fact, “trapped” in the routine and obligations. With another baby on the way, it makes sense that ego would block out clear access to my deep desire for more “me time” — some part of me realized it would soon become more limited! Ironically, it’s been in acknowledging the deep resistance I feel at home that has allowed me to let go and see the truth. I am not trapped. I am not a bad mom if I want to feel freedom. I can absolutely incorporate “me time” into my life, even once our second baby comes. I have a husband who supports my getaways, and I have friends and family who would help me if I needed it, and there are endless babysitters and childcare providers who could help provide me with some free time. Long story short, finally confronting the fact that I’m constantly triggered at home allowed me to see my resistance to all of the responsibility. Rationally, I know that I love my home and family and wouldn’t change a thing about them, but a little piece of me wanted to scream, “Nooooooooooo!” to the threatened personal freedom. My ego really wanted to ignore these feelings, really wanted to resist their existence, and, sure enough, they persisted — for a couple of years!
LESSON: Use your emotional guidance system! Where do you experience the most negativity in your life? Ask your higher self: what’s the real reason for my negative emotions? Sometimes just uncovering the real reasons for our negative triggers is enough to cause a shift toward something better. Is some sort of unjustified fear or limiting belief possibly at the root of the negative emotion? Are you buying into a bit of a story? Perhaps, it is time to let go of it all…
PART II: Meant to Be, or Manifested?
So, back to my weekend in California. I kept finding myself mentioning how triggered I was at home. It wasn’t something that I had planned to talk about during the visit, but low and behold, these really honest admissions kept seeping out, probably in eager hopes that soul-expanding wisdom would flow my way, and it did.
On my flight into Orange County, I zoned out to Abraham Hicks‘ The Vortex. Abraham suggests ignoring unwanted behaviors, and my mother, of her own accord, made the very same suggestion. Reason being that whatever we focus on, we get more of. Of course, we can’t ignore everything, but, in my case, I could ignore so much more than I do, not only when it comes to undesired behaviors but also when it comes to household cleaning and maintenance. I hadn’t realized until this past weekend how much I let unfinished chores bother me. I’m not even that much of a neat freak; I just have this constant nagging feeling that the dishwasher should be unloaded, that the toys should be picked up, that the bedding should be washed, et cetera.
It wasn’t until I received a Reiki healing session on Saturday from my oldest sister that I put it all together. She noted that my throat and sacral chakras were blocked with negative emotion. While she worked on my energy field, I had sudden repeated thoughts of the phrases “holding on”, “holding on”, “holding on” and was simultaneously drawn to the tightness in my chest and throat and shoulders. Then I saw/heard the phrase, “letting go”, “letting go”, “letting go.” When I shared this with her, she added that the throat and sacral chakras are all about expression and truth. I wasn’t living in my truth at home. I wasn’t honest about my feelings, and I was constantly preoccupied with keeping up with some arbitrary household tidiness standards. I was holding on to these standards ridiculously tightly — so tightly that I couldn’t even see I was doing it. My sister added that I wasn’t in vibrational alignment at home. I wasn’t choosing happy thoughts or happy things at home. I wasn’t making it a place that I feel calm, comforted, rejuvenated, energized, happy, joyful, or peaceful.
Icing on the manifesting cake: my mom, sisters, and I decided to draw a few oracle cards Saturday night before bed. After a quick prayer and summoning of spirit guides and angels, my oldest sister drew one of Colette Baron-Reid‘s Spirit Animal Oracle cards for each of us — the deer for her, the dog for my mom, the beaver for my middle sister, and the seahorse for me. The message for the seahorse? “Hovering gracefully, the seahorse observes with the perspective of one who is not engulfed by the drama, remaining at a distance from all the turbulence . . . Your message from Seahorse Spirit is: ‘Not my circus, not my monkeys.’ Spirit wants you to know that even if you are tempted to jump into the fray and try to fix things, the best way to serve yourself and others right now is to remain calm and simply watch and see.” This could NOT be any more relevant to my previous blog post. In a nutshell, I’ve got to stay out of the negative energy welling up at home in order to stay in alignment and continue manifesting the peace that I want.
The next day, when I returned home to Austin, Texas, my house was a borderline disaster. It would have completely triggered me pre-weekend in California. But, as I wrote in an earlier blog, I am committed to change this year. I simply do not want to be the old me, and I do not want to live in my old vibrational patterns. Perhaps, most importantly of all, I’m starting with ME. I’m not expecting any change in my husband or son. I’m trying to do the changing. The toys and dirty dishes and unfolded laundry and disheveled couches disturbed me not! Who says all of that should be picked up — the imaginary committee of Stepford Wives living in my head? I focused instead on how totally adorable my sweet, silly little boy is. For the first time in a while, I saw so much more good than bad. I felt the calm flowing through me. There were no worries, just love. I didn’t even pick up the mess that night. I caught up with all the dishes the next night, and am saving the toys, couch, et cetera for a group effort tonight. Who says it’s all my job? Who says my sweet husband and son won’t help willingly? Abraham Hicks says that we will get what we expect. I’m going to expect good things and be excited when they come but detached when they don’t. It’s ALL good.
I started writing this post with the title “Meant to Be,” but I really think these recent revelations were more manifested than predestined. I’ve been wanting to heal my experience of home for some time and have been cultivating better feelings in my life in general over the last year, which I think brought forth these new pieces of wisdom — so that I might shift into a more free and peaceful experience of home.
I’d love to hear your thoughts!